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Written for the Saturday Courier.
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A DECIDED LOSS.
Oh! breathe not, &c.
Moore's Melodies.
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 'Thou wretch! — thou vixen! — thou
shrew!' said I
to my wife on the morning after the wedding — 'thou witch! — thou
whippersnapper!
— thou sink of iniquity! — thou fiery-faced quintessence of all that is
abominable! — thou — thou' ———; here standing upon tiptoe, seizing her
by
the throat, and placing my mouth close to her ear, I was preparing to
launch
forth a new and most unequivocal epithet of opprobrium, which could not
fail, if uttered, to convince her of her insignificance, when, to my
extreme
horror and astonishment, I discovered that I had lost my breath.
The phrases 'I have lost my breath,'
'I am quite
out of breath,' &c., are often enough repeated in common
conversation:
but it never entered my imagination that such an accident could (the
sufferer
surviving) bona fide, and actually, occur. It was shocking. Imagine my
consternation. I was, indeed, very peculiarly situated. But my good
Genius
never entirely deserts me. In my most ungovernable furies I still
retain
a sense of propriety, and 'le chemin des passions me conduit' (as it
did
Rousseau) 'a la philosophie veritable.' Although I could not, at first,
precisely ascertain to what degree the occurrence had affected me, yet
I unhesitatingly determined to conceal the matter at all events from my
wife until experience should assure me of the extent of my unheard-of
calamity.
The imminent danger of discovery brightened every faculty of my soul,
and,
with a facility peculiar to the desperate, I put in execution a design
conceived with the rapidity of lightning. Altering my countenance in a
moment from its bepuffed and distorted appearance (I was in a terrible
passion) to an expression of the most arch and coquettish benignity, I
gave my wife a kiss on one cheek, and a pat on the other, and without
saying
one word (Furies I could not!) deliberately shuffled myself out of the
room, leaving her as much in love with my fund of good humour (O
blasphemy!)
as in admiration of my exquisite drollery, and fine theatrical talent.
Behold me then safely shut up in my
own boudoir,
a fearful instance of the evil consequences attending upon irascibility
— alive with the qualifications of the dead — dead with the
propensities
of the living — an anomaly on the face of the earth — very calm, yet
breathless.
Yes, breathless! I am serious in asserting that my breath was entirely
gone. I could not have stirred with it a feather if my life had been at
issue, or sullied the polish upon the surface of a mirror. Hard fate!
yet
there was some alleviation to the first overwhelming paroxysm of my
sorrow.
I found upon trial that the powers of utterance (which, upon my
inability
to proceed in the conversation with my wife, I then concluded to be
totally
destroyed) were, in fact, only partially impeded; and I discovered that
had I, at the interesting crisis aforesaid, dropped my voice to a
singularly
deep guttural, (oh the devil!) I might still have continued to her the
communication of my sentiments. For this pitch of voice (the guttural)
depends, I find, not upon the current of the breath, but upon a certain
spasmodic action of the muscles of the throat — thus the race of frogs,
&c.; see Hippocrates in his dissertation.
Throwing myself upon a settee, I
remained for
some
time buried in thought. My reflections, be sure, were of no consolatory
description. A thousand vague and lachrymatory fancies took possession
of my spirit. I had heard of Peter Schlemil, but I did not believe in
him
until now. I had heard of compacts with the devil, and would gladly
have
accepted his assistance, but knew not in what manner to proceed, having
studied very little of diablerie. Then the phantom suicide
flitted
across my imagination, but it is a trait in the perversity of human
nature
to reject the obvious, and the ready for the far-distant and equivocal;
and, with one foot in the grave, I shuddered at self-murder as the most
flagrant of enormities. Then through a single broken pane of glass, the
four winds of the Heaven all poured into the apartment — and, like the
Mulciberian bellows, roared loudly the huge sea-coal fire — and the
tabby
cat purred lustily upon the rug — and the fat water-dog wheezed
strenuously
under the table — all taking much merit to themselves for the hideous
strength
of their lungs, and obviously deriding my own pulmonary incapacity.
Oppressed
with a tumult of vague hopes and fears, I, at length, heard my wife's
step
descending the stair-case. Being now assured of her absence, with a
palpitating
heart I returned to the scene of my disaster. Carefully locking the
door
on the inside, I commenced a vigorous search. It was probable, I
thought,
that, concealed in some closet or drawer, or lurking in some obscure
corner,
might be found the lost object of my desires. It might have a vapoury —
it might even have a tangible form. Most philosophers upon many points
of philosophy, are still very unphilosophical. Anaxagoras, however,
maintained
that snow was black. I have since discovered this to be the fact. Wm.
Godwin,
too, says, somewhere in his Mandeville, that invisible things (a case
more
in point) are the only realities. I would have the world pause before
accusing
such asseverations of an undue quantum of absurdity. My exertions,
however,
proved fruitless. Drawer after drawer, closet after closet, corner
after
corner, were scrutinized to no purpose. Several false teeth, an eye,
two
pair of hips, and a bundle of billet-doux, from a neighbour to my wife,
were the contemptible reward of my industry and perseverance. At one
time,
indeed, I thought myself sure of my prize; having, in rummaging a
dressing-case,
accidentally demolished a bottle of (I had a remarkably sweet breath)
Hewitt's
'Seraphic, and highly-scented double extract of Heaven, or Oil of
Archangels,'
which, as an agreeable perfume, I here take the liberty of
recommending.
With a heavy heart, I repaired again to my boudoir, there to ponder
upon
some method of eluding my wife's sagacity, until I could make
arrangements
prior to my leaving the country — for to this I had already made up my
mind. In a foreign climate, being unknown, I might, with more
probability
of success, endeavour to conceal my unhappy bereavement — a bereavement
calculated, even more than beggary, to estrange the affections of the
multitude, and to draw down upon the wretch the well-merited
indignation
of the virtuous and the happy. To sharpen my invention, I took down a
prize
poem on —————, and reading half an hour, found myself fuddled.
Jumping
up in despair, I hit upon an expedient, and immediately set about
carrying
it into execution. Being naturally quick, I committed to memory the
entire
tragedies of Metamora and Miantinimoh. I had the acuteness to
recollect
that in the accentuation of these dramas, the tones of voice in which I
found myself deficient, were totally unnecessary, and that the deepest
guttural should reign monotonously throughout. Having, therefore,
practised
by the borders of a large, and well-frequented marsh, I found myself,
in
a few hours, as well qualified to quiz the Aborigines as their original
representative himself. Thus armed at all points, I determined to make
my wife believe that I was suddenly seized with a passion for the
stage.
In this I succeeded to a miracle; and to every question or suggestion,
felt myself at liberty to reply, in my most sepulchral tones, with a
passage
from the tragedies, folding my arms, working my knees, shuffling my
feet,
looking asquint, and showing my teeth, with the energy of the most
accomplished
and popular performer. To be sure they talked of confining me in a
straight
jacket — but, good God! they never suspected me of having lost my
breath.
Having thus, at length, put my affairs in order, and affixed a codicil
to my will, in which, after many charitable legacies, I bequeathed to
my
wife my fine quarto copy of Calbrinachus in Dianam, I took my seat, one
frosty night, in the mail stage for ———, giving it to be understood
among my acquaintance, that business in Europe, of the last importance,
rendered indispensable my immediate personal attendance. The coach was
crammed to repletion; but, from the darkness of the night, the features
of my companions could not be distinguished. Without making any
effectual
resistance, [column 2:] I suffered myself to be
ensconced
between two ambiguous bipeds, while a third, requesting pardon for the
liberty which he was about to take, threw himself at full length upon
my
carcase, and falling asleep in an instant, drowned all my guttural
ejaculations
for relief, in a snore which would put thy roarings to the blush, thou
bell-metal bull of Phalaris! Happily the state of my respiratory
faculties
rendered suffocation an accident entirely out of the question.
The day broke at length, and my
persecutor,
arising
and adjusting his shirt-collar, thanked me in a very friendly manner
for
my civility. Perceiving that I remained without motion, and made him no
reply, (all my limbs were dislocated, and my head twisted on one side)
his apprehensions began to be excited, and, arousing the rest of the
passengers,
he communicated, in a very decided manner, his opinion that a corpse
had
been palmed upon them during the night, for a living and responsible
fellow
traveller — here giving me a thump on the right eye by way of
evidencing
the truth of his assertion. One after another (there were fifteen in
all)
now gave me a pull by the ear; and a young practitioner having applied
a pocket-mirror to my mouth, and found me without breath, the
suggestion
of my tormentor was pronounced to be a true bill; and, stopping the
coach,
the whole assembly declared their determination to proceed, for the
present,
no farther with any such carcases; and, for the future, to endure
tamely
no such impositions. As we were at this time passing through the
village
of ———, I was accordingly thrown out of the coach at the sign of the
Three
Crows, without meeting with any farther accident except the breaking of
my thighs under the left hind wheel of the vehicle; and I must do the
driver
the justice to acknowledge that he did not forget to throw after me my
largest trunk, which alighting on my head, fractured my scull [[skull]]
in a
manner
at once interesting and extraordinary. The landlord of the Three Crows,
who is a hospitable man, finding that my trunk contained sufficient to
indemnify him for any trifling expenditure, sent forthwith for an
undertaker,
and made every preparation for a reputable burial. I was laid out very
decently in a garret, and afforded every convenience suitable to my
funeral
estate. The landlady accommodated me with a pair of her own stockings,
and her husband having fastened my hands, and tied up my jaws with a
pocket-handkerchief,
bolted the door on the outside as he took his departure, leaving me
alone
to silence and to meditation.
Having, by this time, recovered, in a
measure,
from
the stunning sensation of my bruises, I found, to my infinite delight,
that I could have spoken had not my jaws been tied up by the
pocket-handkerchief.
Consoling myself with this reflection I was mentally repeating a few
verses
of the ———, as is my custom, before resigning myself to sleep, when
two cats of a greedy and vituperative disposition entering at a hole in
the wall, leapt up simultaneously with a flourish a la Catalani, and
alighting
opposite one another on my countenance, betook themselves to unseemly,
and indecorous controversy for the paltry consideration of my nose.
But as the loss of his ears proved
the means by
which
the Persian Mige-Gush ascended the empire of Cyrus, so the loss of a
few
ounces of my visage was the salvation of my body. Aroused by the pain,
and burning with indignation, I burst, at a single effort, the
fastenings,
and the bandage, and starting majestically upon my feet, opened the
lattice,
and to the extreme terror and disappointment of the belligerents,
precipitated
myself in triumph from the window.
The mail-robber W——, to whom I
bear a singular
resemblance, was, at this moment, passing through the village, on his
way
to execution at ——. His great infirmity, and long continued
ill-health
had obtained him the privilege of remaining unmanacled; and, habited in
his gallows costume, he lay at full length in the bottom of the
hangman's
cart, (which happened to be under the windows of the Three Crows at the
moment of my precipitation) without any other guard than the driver,
who
was asleep, and two recruits of the — Regiment of Infantry, who were
drunk.
As ill- luck would have it I alit upon my feet within the cart. W——,
who is an acute fellow, perceiving his opportunity, immediately leaped
up, slipped out at the back of the vehicle, and turning down an alley
was
out of sight in an instant. The recruits aroused by the bustle, and not
precisely comprehending the transaction, saw nevertheless a figure, the
exact counterfeit of the felon, standing upright before their eyes, and
were of opinion that the rascal, meaning W——, was after making his
escape.
Having communicated this idea to one another, they took each a dram,
and
then felled me with the butt end of their muskets. It was not long
before
the cart arrived at the place of execution. It was of course useless
for
me to say a word in my defence. Hanged, I must be — there could be no
doubt
of it, and I resigned myself to my fate with a mingled feeling of
astonishment
and tranquillity. The hangman adjusted the noose about my neck, and as,
through the stupefying effects of my wounds, I was unable to make
myself
heard at so great a distance from the ground, it was reported in the
newspapers
of the following day that I died in my obstinacy like a wicked, and
bloody-minded cut-throat as I was, stubbornly refusing to make any
confession
— a monster of mankind — an awful warning to all little children, and
(so
ran the Gazette) a duodecimo compendium of all horrible atrocities. The
Editors were wrong — at least in the most important particular — I did
not die. Upon the falling of the drop, I felt, as may be imagined no
other
inconvenience than was occasioned by the shock. To be sure my neck was
chafed by the rope, and there was a violent determination of blood to
the
brain — but I stood in no danger of suffocation. I had, however,
sufficient
presence of mind to counterfeit the most extraordinary convulsions, and
here my talents for grimace stood me in great service. Several
gentleman
fainted away, and three ladies were carried home in hysterics. The
celebrated
Pinxit, too, availed himself of the opportunity to retouch, from a
sketch
taken on the spot, his admirable painting of the "Marsyas flayed
alive.''
But the most courageous spirit — the toughest
constitution
must at length yield to an obstinate run of ill luck, as the proudest
cities
have been humbled by the pertinacity of an enemy. Salmanezer, as we
have
it in the holy writings, lay three years before Samaria — yet it fell.
Sardanapalus (see Diodorus) maintained himself seven years in Nineveh
to
no purpose. Troy fell at the end of the 2d lustrum, and Psammitticus
(as
Aristœus declares upon his honor as a gentleman) was admitted into
Azoth
after it had valourously sustained a siege for the 5th part of a
century.
After half an hour's performance (as long as I thought necessary) I
became
motionless, and shortly afterwards, being cut down, was delivered to a
practising physician with a bill and receipt for five and twenty
dollars.
He took me to his apartment forthwith, and commenced operations
immediately.
Having deprived me of both my ears, he discovered signs of animation.
He
therefore rang the bell, and told the servant to call in a neighbouring
apothecary with whom he might consult in the emergency. However, in
case
of my proving to be alive, he first made an incision into my stomach,
and,
being naturally of a benevolent disposition, removed several of my
viscera
for private examination. The apothecary confirmed his suspicion with
regard
to my existence, and this suspicion I endeavoured to strengthen;
kicking
and plunging with all my might, and making the most furious
contortions,
the hangman's cap which still covered my face rendering any attempt at
explanation out of the question. All this was, however, attributed to
the
effect of the new Galvanic Battery, which the apothecary, upon learning
my situation, had brought with him, and from the moment of his entrance
to that of my decease, which took place a few minutes afterwards, had
never
ceased to apply with the most unremitting assiduity. |
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