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A TALE CONTAING AN ALLEGORY.
 ABOUT twelve o'clock,
one night in the month of October,
and during
the chivalrous reign of the third Edward, two seamen belonging to the
crew
of the "Free and Easy," a trading schooner plying between Sluys and the
Thames, and then at anchor in that river, were much astonished to find
themselves seated in the tap-room of an ale-house in the parish of St.
Andrews, London — which ale-house bore for sign the portraiture of a
"Jolly
Tar." The room, although ill-contrived, smoke-blackened,
low-pitched, and
in every other respect agreeing with the general character of such
places
at the period — was, nevertheless, in the opinion of the grotesque
groups
scattered here and there within it, sufficiently well adapted to its
purpose. Of these groups our two seamen formed, I think, the
most
interesting,
if not the most conspicuous. The one who appeared to be the elder, and whom his
companion
addressed
by the characteristic appellation of "Legs," was at the same time much
the taller of the two. He might have measured six feet and a half, and
an habitual stoop in the shoulders seemed to have been the necessary
consequence
of an altitude so enormous. — Superfluities in height were, however,
more
than accounted for by deficiencies in other respects. He was
exceedingly
thin; and might, as his associates asserted, have answered, when drunk,
for a pennant at the mast-head, [column 2:] or, when sober,
have served for a
jib-boom.
But these jests, and others of a similar nature, had evidently
produced,
at no time, any effect upon the cachinnatory muscles of the tar. With
high
cheek-bones, a large hawk-nose, retreating chin, fallen under-jaw, and
huge protruding white eyes, the expression of his countenance, although
tinged with a species of dogged indifference to matters and things in
general,
was not the less utterly solemn and serious beyond all attempts at
imitation
or description. The younger seaman was, in all outward appearance,
the
converse of
his
companion. His stature could not have exceeded four feet. A pair of
stumpy
bow-legs supported his squat, unwieldy figure, while his unusually
short
and thick arms, with no ordinary fists at their extremities, swung off
dangling from his sides like the fins of a sea-turtle. Small eyes, of
no
particular color, twinkled far back in his head. His nose remained
buried
in the mass of flesh which enveloped his round, full, and purple face;
and his thick upper-lip rested upon the still thicker one beneath with
an air of complacent self-satisfaction, much heightened by the owner's
habit of licking them at intervals. He evidently regarded his tall
shipmate
with a feeling half-wondrous, half-quizzical; and stared up
occasionally
in his face as the red setting sun stares up at the crags of Ben Nevis.
Various and eventful, however, had been the
peregrinations of the
worthy
couple in and about the different tap-houses of the neighborhood
during
the earlier hours of the night. Funds even the most ample, are not
always
everlasting: and it was with empty pockets our friends had ventured
upon
the present hostelrie. At the precise period, then, when this history
properly
commences,
Legs,
and his fellow Hugh Tarpaulin, sat, each with both elbows resting upon
the large oaken table in the middle of the floor, and with a hand upon
either cheek. They were eyeing, from behind a huge flagon of unpaid-for
"humming-stuff," the portentous words, "No Chalk," which to their
indignation
and astonishment were scored over the doorway by means of that very
mineral
whose presence they purported to deny. Not that the gift of decyphering
written characters — a gift among the commonalty of that day
considered
little less cabalistical than the art of inditing —
could, in strict
justice,
have been laid to the charge of either disciple of the sea; but there
was,
to say the truth, a certain twist in the formation of the letters — an
indescribable lee-lurch about the whole — which foreboded, in the
opinion
of both seamen, a long run of dirty weather; and determined them at
once,
in the allegorical words of Legs himself, to "pump ship, clew up all
sail,
and scud before the wind." Having accordingly disposed of what remained of the
ale,
and looped
up the points of their short doublets, they finally made a bolt for the
street. Although Tarpaulin rolled twice into the fire-place, mistaking
it for the door, [page 220:] yet their escape was at length
happily effected — and
half after twelve o'clock found our heroes ripe for mischief, and
running
for life down a dark alley in the direction of St. Andrew's Stair,
hotly
pursued by the landlady of the "Jolly Tar." At the epoch of this eventful tale, and
periodically,
for many years
before and after, all England, but more especially the metropolis,
resounded
with the fearful cry of "Plague!" The city was in a great measure
depopulated — and in those horrible regions, in the vicinity of the
Thames, where
amid the dark, narrow, and filthy lanes and alleys, the Demon of
Disease
was supposed to have had his nativity, Awe, Terror, and Superstition
were
alone to be found stalking abroad. By authority of the king such districts were placed under
ban, and
all
persons forbidden, under pain of death, to intrude upon their dismal
solitude.
Yet neither the mandate of the monarch, nor the huge barriers erected
at
the entrances of the streets, nor the prospect of that loathsome death
which, with almost absolute certainty, overwhelmed the wretch whom no
peril
could deter from the adventure, prevented the unfurnished and
untenanted
dwellings from being stripped, by the hand of nightly rapine, of every
article, such as iron, brass, or lead-work, which could in any manner
be
turned to a profitable account. Above all, it was usually found, upon the annual
winter
opening of
the
barriers, that locks, bolts, and secret cellars, had proved but slender
protection to those rich stores of wines and liquors which, in
consideration
of the risk and trouble of removal, many of the numerous dealers having
shops in the neighborhood had consented to trust,
during the period of
exile, to so insufficient a security. But there were very few of the terror-stricken
people
who attributed
these doings to the agency of human hands. Pest-spirits,
plague-goblins,
and fever-demons, were the popular imps of mischief; and tales so
blood-chilling
were hourly told, that the whole mass of forbidden buildings was, at
length,
enveloped in terror as in a shroud, and the plunderer himself was often
scared away by the horrors his own depredations had created; leaving
the
entire vast circuit of prohibited district to gloom, silence,
pestilence,
and death. It was by one of the terrific barriers already
mentioned, and which
indicated the region beyond to be under the Pest-ban, that, in
scrambling
down an alley, Legs and the worthy Hugh Tarpaulin found their progress
suddenly impeded. To return was out of the question, and no time was to
be lost, as their pursuers were close upon their heels. With
thorough-bred
seamen to clamber up the roughly fashioned plank-work was a trifle;
and,
maddened with the twofold excitement of exercise and liquor, they
leaped
unhesitatingly down within the enclosure, and holding on their drunken
course with shouts and yellings, were soon bewildered in its noisome
and
intricate recesses. Had they not, indeed, been intoxicated beyond moral
sense, their
reeling
footsteps must have been palsied by the horrors of their situation. The
air was cold and misty. The paving-stones, loosened from their beds,
lay
in wild disorder amid the tall, rank grass, which sprang up around the
feet and ankles. Fallen houses choked up the streets. The most fetid
and
poisonous smells everywhere prevailed; — and by the aid of that
ghastly
light which, even at midnight, never fails to emanate from a vapory and
pestilential at atmosphere, might be discerned [column 2:]
lying in the by-paths
and
alleys, or rotting in the windowless habitations, the carcass of many a
nocturnal plunderer arrested by the hand of the plague in the very
perpetration
of his robbery. But it lay not in the power of images, or
sensations,
or
impediments
such as these, to stay the course of men who, naturally brave, and at
that
time especially, brimful of courage and of "humming-stuff!" would have
reeled, as straight as their condition might have permitted,
undauntedly
into the very jaws of Death. Onward — still onward
stalked the grim
Legs,
making the desolate solemnity echo and re-echo with yells like the
terrific
war-whoop of the Indian: and onward, still onward rolled the dumpy
Tarpaulin,
hanging on to the doublet of his more active companion, and far
surpassing
the latter's most strenuous exertions in the way of vocal music, by
bull-roarings in basso, from the profundity of his stentorian
lungs. They had now evidently reached the strong hold of
the
pestilence.
Their
way at every step or plunge grew more noisome and more horrible — the
paths more narrow and more intricate. Huge stones and beams falling
momently
from the decaying roofs above them, gave evidence, by their sullen and
heavy descent, of the vast height of the surrounding houses; and while
actual exertion became necessary to force a passage through frequent
heaps
of rubbish, it was by no means seldom that the hand fell upon a
skeleton
or rested upon a more fleshey [[fleshly]] corpse. Suddenly, as the seamen stumbled against the
entrance of
a tall and
ghastly-looking building, a yell more than usually shrill from the
throat
of the excited Legs, was replied to from within, in a rapid succession
of wild, laughter-like, and fiendish shrieks. Nothing daunted at sounds
which, of such a nature, at such a time, and in such a place, might
have
curdled the very blood in hearts less irrevocably on fire, the drunken
couple rushed headlong against the door, burst it open, and staggered
into
the midst of things with a volley of curses. The room within which they found themselves proved
to be
the shop of
an undertaker; but an open trap-door, in a corner of the floor near the
entrance, looked down upon a long range of wine-cellars, whose depths
the
occasional sound of bursting bottles proclaimed to be well stored with
their appropriate contents. In the middle of the room stood a table —
in the centre of which again arose a huge tub of what appeared to be
punch.
Bottles of various wines and cordials, together with jugs, pitchers,
and
flagons of every shape and quality, were scattered profusely upon the
board.
Around it, upon coffin-tressels, was seated a company of six. This
company
I will endeavor to delineate one by one. Fronting the entrance, and elevated a little above
his
companions,
sat
a personage who appeared to be the president of the
table. His stature
was gaunt and tall, and Legs was confounded to behold in him a figure
more
emaciated than himself. His face was as yellow as saffron — but no
feature
excepting one alone, was sufficiently marked to merit a particular
description.
This one consisted in a forehead so unusually and hideously lofty, as
to
have the appearance of a bonnet or crown of flesh superadded upon the
natural
head. His mouth was puckered and dimpled into an expression of ghastly
affability, and his eyes, as indeed the eyes of all at table, were
glazed
over with the fumes of intoxication. This gentleman was clothed from
head
to foot in a richly-embroidered black silk-velvet pall, wrapped
negligently [page 221:]
around his form after the fashion of a Spanish cloak. His head was
stuck
full of sable hearse-plumes, which he nodded to and fro with a jaunty
and
knowing air; and, in his right hand, he held a huge human thigh-bone,
with
which he appeared to have been just knocking down some member of the
company
for a song. Opposite him, and with her back to the door, was a
lady
of no whit
the
less extraordinary character. Although quite as tall as the person just
described, she had no right to complain of his unnatural emaciation.
She
was evidently in the last stage of a dropsy; and her figure resembled
nearly
that of the huge puncheon of October beer which stood, with the head
driven
in, close by her side, in a corner of the chamber. Her face was
exceedingly
round, red, and full; and the same peculiarity, or rather want of
peculiarity,
attached itself to her countenance, which I before mentioned in the
case
of the president — that is to say, only one feature of her face was
sufficiently
distinguished to need a separate characterization: indeed the acute
Tarpaulin
immediately observed that the same remark might have applied to each
individual
person of the party; every one of whom seemed to possess a monopoly of
some particular portion of physiognomy. With the lady in question this
portion proved to be the mouth. Commencing at the right ear, it swept
with
a terrific chasm to the left — the short pendants which she wore in
either
auricle continually bobbing into the aperture. She made, however, every
exertion to keep her mouth closed and look dignified, in a dress
consisting
of a newly starched and ironed shroud coming up close under her chin,
with
a crimpled ruffle of cambric muslin.At her right hand sat a diminutive young lady whom
she
appeared to
patronise.
This delicate little creature, in the trembling of her wasted fingers,
in the livid hue of her lips, and in the slight hectic spot which
tinged
her otherwise leaden complexion, gave evident indications of a
galloping
consumption. An air of gave extreme haut ton, however, pervaded
her
whole
appearance; she wore in a graceful and degagé manner, a
large and
beautiful
winding-sheet of the finest India lawn; her hair hung in ringlets over
her neck; a soft smile played about her mouth; but her nose, extremely
long, thin, sinuous, flexible and pimpled, hung down far below her
under
lip, and in spite of the delicate manner in which she now and then
moved
it to one side or the other with her tongue, gave to her countenance a
somewhat equivocal expression. Over against her, and upon the left of the dropsical
lady, was
seated
a little puffy, wheezing, and gouty old man, whose cheeks reposed upon
the shoulders of their owner, like two huge bladders of Oporto wine.
With
his arms folded, and with one bandaged leg deposited upon the table, he
seemed to think himself entitled to some consideration. He evidently
prided
himself much upon every inch of his personal appearance, but took more
especial delight in calling attention to his gaudy-colored surtout.
This,
to say the truth, must have cost him no little money, and was made to
fit
him exceedingly well — being fashioned from one of the curiously
embroidered
silken covers appertaining to those glorious escutcheons which, in
England
and elsewhere, are customarily hung up, in some conspicuous place, upon
the dwellings of departed aristocracy. Next to him, and at the right hand of the president,
was
a gentleman
in long white hose and cotton drawers. His frame shook, in a ridiculous
manner, with a fit of [column 2:] what Tarpaulin called "the
horrors." His jaws,
which
had been newly shaved, were tightly tied up by a bandage of muslin; and
his arms being fastened in a similar way at the wrists, prevented
him
from helping himself too freely to the liquors upon the table; a
precaution
rendered necessary, in the opinion of Legs, by the peculiarly sottish
and
wine-bibbing cast of his visage. A pair of prodigious ears,
nevertheless,
which it was no doubt found impossible to confine, towered away into
the
atmosphere of the apartment, and were occasionally
pricked up in a
spasm,
at the sound of the drawing of a cork. Fronting him, sixthly and lastly, was situated a
singularly
stiff-looking
personage, who, being afflicted with paralysis, must, to speak
seriously,
have felt very ill at ease in his unaccommodating habiliments. He was
habited,
somewhat uniquely, in a new and handsome mahogany coffin. Its top or
head-piece
pressed upon the skull of the wearer, and extended over it in the
fashion
of a hood, giving to the entire face an air of indescribable interest.
Arm-holes had been cut in the sides, for the sake not more of elegance
than of convenience; but the dress, nevertheless, prevented its
proprietor
from sitting as erect as his associates; and as he lay reclining
against
his tressel, at an angle of forty-five degrees, a pair of huge goggle
eyes
rolled up their awful whites towards the celling in absolute amazement
at their own enormity. Before each of the party lay a portion of a skull,
which
was used as
a drinking cup. Overhead was suspended a human skeleton, by means of a
rope tied round one of the legs and fastened to a ring in the ceiling.
The other limb, confined by no such fetter, stuck off from the body at
right angles, causing the whole loose and rattling frame to dangle and
twirl about at the caprice of every occasional puff of wind which found
its way into the aparment [[apartment]]. In the cranium of this hideous
thing lay
quantity
of ignited charcoal, which threw a fitful but vivid light over the
entire
scene; while coffins, and other wares appertaining to the shop of an
undertaker,
were piled high up around the room, and against the windows, preventing
any ray from escaping into the street. At sight of this extraordinary assembly, and of
their
still more
extraordinary
paraphernalia, our two seamen did not conduct themselves with that
degree
of decorum which might have been expected. Legs, leaning against the
wall
near which he happened to be standing, dropped his lower jaw still
lower
than usual, and spread open his eyes to their fullest extent: while
Hugh
Tarpaulin, stooping down so as to bring his nose upon a level with the
table, and spreading out a palm upon either knee, burst into a long,
loud,
and obstrepons [[obstreperous]] roar of very ill-timed and immoderate
laughter. Without, however, taking offence at behavior so
excessively rude,
the
tall president smiled very graciously upon the intruders — nodded to
them
in a dignified manner with his head of sable plumes — and, arising,
took
each by an arm, and led him to a seat which some others of the company
had placed in the meantime for his accommodation. Legs to all this
offered
not the slightest resistance, but sat down as he was directed; while
the
gallant Hugh, removing his coffin tressel from its station near the
head
of the table, to the vicinity of the little consumptive lady in the
winding
sheet, plumped down by her side in high glee, and pouring out a skull
of
red wine, quaffed it to their better acquaintance. [page 222:]
But at this
presumption
the stiff gentleman in the coffin seemed exceedingly nettled; and
serious
consequences might have ensued, had not the president, rapping upon the
table with his truncheon, diverted the attention of all present to the
following speech: "It becomes our duty upon the present happy
occasion" —— "Avast there!" interrupted Legs, looking very
serious,
"avast there
a bit, I say, and tell us who the devil ye all are, and what business
ye
have here, rigged off like the foul fiends, and swilling the snug blue
ruin stowed away for the winter by my honest shipmate, Will Wimble the
undertaker!" At this unpardonable piece of ill-breeding, all the
original company
half started to their feet, and uttered the same rapid succession of
wild
fiendish shrieks which had before caught the attention of the seamen.
The
president, however, was the first to recover his composure, and at
length,
turning to Legs with great dignity, recommenced: "Most willingly will we gratify any reasonable
curiosity
on the part
of guests so illustrious, unbidden though they be. Know then that in
these
dominions I am monarch, and here rule with undivided empire under the
title
of 'King Pest the First.' "This apartment, which you no doubt profanely
suppose to
be the shop
of Will Wimble the undertaker — a man whom we know not, and whose
plebeian
appellation has never before this night thwarted our royal ears — this
apartment, I say, is the Dais-Chamber of our Palace, devoted to the
councils
of our kingdom, and to other sacred and lofty purposes. "The noble lady who sits opposite is Queen Pest, our
Serene Consort.
The other exalted personages whom you behold are all
of our family, and
wear the insignia of the blood royal under the respective titles of
'His
Grace the Arch Duke Pest-Iferous' — 'His Grace the Duke Pest-Ilential'
— 'His Grace the Duke Tem-Pest' — and 'Her Serene Highness the Arch
Duchess
Ana-Pest.' "As regards," continued he, "your demand of the
business
upon which
we sit here in council, we might be pardoned for replying that it
concerns,
and concerns alone, our own private and regal interest, and is
in no
manner
important to any other than ourself. But in consideration of those
rights
to which as guests and strangers you may feel yourselves entitled, we
will
furthermore explain that we are here this night, prepared by deep
research
and accurate investigation, to examine, analyze, and thoroughly
determine
the indefinable spirit — the incomprehensible qualities and nare
[[nature]] —
of those inestimable treasures of the palate, the wines, ales, and
liqueurs
of this goodly metropolis: by so doing to advance not more our own
designs
than the true welfare of that unearthly sovereign whose reign is over
us
all, whose dominions are unlimited, and whose name is 'Death.' ""Whose name is Davy Jones!" ejaculated Tarpaulin,
helping the lady
by
his side to a skull of liqueur, and pouring out a second for himself. "Profane varlet!" said the president, now turning
his
attention to
the
worthy Hugh, "profane and execrable wretch! — we have said, that in
consideration
of those rights which, even in thy filthy person, we feel no
inclination
to violate, we have condescended to make reply to thy rude and
unseasonable
inquiries. We nevertheless, for your unhallowed intrusion upon our
councils,
believe it our duty to mulct thee and thy companion in each a gallon of
Black Strap — having imbibed which to [column 2:] the
prosperity of our kingdom —
at a single draught — and upon your bended knees — ye shall be
forthwith
free either to proceed upon your way, or remain and be admitted to the
privileges of our table, according to your respective and individual
pleasures." "It would be a matter of utter impossibility,"
replied
Legs, whom
the
assumptions and dignity of King Pest the First had evidently inspired
some
feelings of respcct [[respect]], and who arose and steadied himself by
the table as
he spoke — "It would, please your majesty, be a matter of utter
impossibility
to stow away in my hold even one-fourth part of
that
same liquor which
your
majesty has just mentioned. To say nothing of the stuffs placed on
board
in the forenoon by way of ballast, and not to mention the various ales
and liqueurs shipped this evening at different sea-ports, I have, at
present,
a full cargo of 'humming stuff' taken in and duly paid for at the sign
of the 'Jolly Tar.' You will, therefore, please your majesty, be so
good
as to take the will for the deed — for by no manner of means either
can
I or will I swallow another drop — least of all a drop of that
villanous
bilge-water that answers to the hail of 'Black Strap.' " "Belay that!" interrupted Tarpaulin, astonished not
more
at the
length
of his companion's speech than at the nature of his refusal — "Belay
that,
you lubber! — and I say, Legs, none of your palaver! My hull is
still
light, although I confess you yourself seem to be a little top-heavy;
and
as for the matter of your share of the cargo, why rather than raise a
squall
I would find stowage-room for it myself, but" —— "This proceeding," interposed the president, "is by
no
means in
accordance
with the terms of the mulct or sentence, which is in its nature Median,
and not to be altered or recalled. The conditions we have imposed must
be fulfilled to the letter, and that without a moment's hesitation —
in
failure of which fulfilment we decree that you do here be tied neck and
heels together, and duly drowned as rebels in yon hogshead of October
beer!" "A sentence! — a sentence! — a righteous and just
sentence! — a
glorious
decree! — a most worthy and upright, and holy condemnation!" shouted
the
Pest family altogether. The king elevated his forehead into innumerable
wrinkles; the gouty little old man puffed like a pair of bellows; the
lady
of the winding sheet waved her nose to and fro; the gentleman in the
cotton
drawers pricked up his ears; she of the shroud gasped like a dying
fish;
and he of the coffin looked stiff and rolled up his eyes. "Ugh! ugh! ugh!" chuckled Tarpaulin, without heeding
the
general
excitation,
"ugh! ugh! ugh! — ugh! ugh! ugh! — ugh! ugh! ugh! — I was saying,"
said
he, "I was saying when Mr. King Pest poked in his marlin-spike, that as
for the matter of two or three gallons more or less of Black Strap, it
was a trifle to a tight sea-boat like myself not overstowed — but when
it comes to drinking the health of the Devil (whom
God assoilzie) and
going
down upon my marrow bones to his ill-favored majesty there, whom I
know,
as well as I know myself to be a sinner, to be nobody in the whole
world,
but Tim Hurlygurly the stage-player! — why! its [[it's]] quite another
guess
sort
of a thing, and utterly and altogether past my comprehension." He was not allowed to finish this speech in
tranquillity. At the
name
Tim Hurlygurly the whole assembly leaped from their name seats. "Treason!" shouted his Majesty King Pest the First. "Treason!" said the little man with the gout. "Treason!" screamed the Arch Duchess Ana-Pest. [page
223:]"Treason!" muttered the gentleman with his jaws tied
up. "Treason!" growled he of the coffin. "Treason! treason!" shrieked her majesty of the
mouth;
and, seizing
by the hinder part of his breeches the unfortunate Tarpaulin, who had
just
commenced pouring out for himself a skull of liqueur, she lifted him
high
into the air, and let him fall without ceremony into the huge open
puncheon
of his beloved ale. Bobbing up and down, for a few seconds, like an
apple
in a bowl of toddy, he, at length, finally disappeared amid the
whirlpool
of foam which, in the already effervescent liquor, his struggles easily
succeeded in creating. Not tamely, however, did the tall seaman behold the
discomfiture of
his companion. Jostling King Pest through the open trap, the valiant
Legs
slammed the door down upon him with an oath, and strode towards the
centre
of the room. Here tearing down the skeleton which swung over the table,
he laid it about him with so much energy and good will, that, as the
last
glimpses of light died away within the apartment, he succeeded in
knocking
out the brains of the little gentleman with the gout. Rushing then with
all his force against the fatal hogshead full of October ale and Hugh
Tarpaulin,
he rolled it over and over in an instant. Out burst a deluge of liquor
so fierce — so impetuous — so overwhelming — that the room was
flooded
from wall to wall — the loaded table was overturned — the tressels
were
thrown upon their backs — the tub of punch into the fire-place — and
the ladies into hysterics. Piles of death-furniture floundered about.
Jugs,
pitchers, and carboys mingled promiscuously in the melée,
and wicker
flagons
encountered desperately with bottles of junk. The man with the horrors
was drowned upon the spot — the little stiff gentleman floated off in
his
coffin — and the victorious Legs, seizing by the waist the fat lady in
the shroud, rushed out with her into the street, and made a bee-line
for
the "Free and Easy," followed under easy sail by the redoubtable Hugh
Tarpaulin,
who, having sneezed three or four times, panted and puffed after him
with
the Arch Duchess Ana-Pest.LITTLETON BARRY.
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