Text: Thomas Dunn English, “Hints to Authors [Tale of a Gray Tadpole], John-Donkey (New York, NY), vol. I, no. 23, June 1, 1848, 1:364-365

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The Germanesque is a name, which, for want of a better, we have given to a species of tale or sketch of incident, which seems to be getting into vogue. As it may be — for popular taste is sometimes monstrous in its character — the rage, at one time or other, you shall be taught all the rules by which it is composed. They are few and easy to comprehend. Indeed, judging by the works and mind of its chief and almost only follower on this side of the Atlantic, it is a pure art, almost mechanical — requiring neither genius, taste, wit, nor judgment — and accessible to every impudent and contemptible mountebank, who may choose to slander a lady, and then plead insanity to shelter himself from the vengeance of her relatives.

You must by all means choose a subject, which every one under ordinary management could comprehend. To mystify such a thing os this proves your genius. An ordinary man, in an ordinary disquisition upon a vegetable so ordinary as potatoes, would be easy to comprehend. W hat he wrote those who read would fathom at once. But if you write about such a matter, satisfy them that although you may be yourself the smallest of small potatoes, you and your productions are alike difficult of digestion.

Pay great attention to minutiæ, and lay great stress on trifles. This makes the reader expect that the story will hinge upon these especially, and he becomes very thankful if he be disappointed. For instance — if your hero wear boots, give the exact height of their heels, the breadth of their toes, the name of their maker, and the number of pegs in their soles. Every one will conclude that you are possessed of an observation so rigorous that nothing can escape it, and think you qualified at least to search in a haystack for a lost needle.

You can frequently produce a great effect by writing the first part of your work with a certain design, which you change before you get to the end. This will make a very pretty confusion. But your best plan is to carry your work through without any design at all. Thus, neither yourself nor your reader will understand your intent; and to effect this delicious state of bewilderment is the true office of the Germanesque.

Preface your production by a number of quotations, from as many languages as possible. It is not necessary that these should have any reference to the subject, indeed, that they should have any meaning. Your purpose will be sufficiently answered, if you impress your reader with a belief that you are a profound linguist and an untiring reader.

The little sketch which follows combines the greater part of these requisites. It has been attributed to Mr. Poe. We are not sure that it is from the pen of that very distinguished writer; but if not his, is a palpable imitation of his style. You will do well to study its characteristics with great care before venturing upon the composition of the Germanesque.

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TALE OF A GRAY TADPOLE.

“Oysters are quiescent, bibulatory of sea-water and bearded. The human mind luxuriates in the vague and mysteresque aa a pike in a fish pond. Hence springs that longing after the immortal which pervades the universe. Hence lovers engrave the names of their heart's idols upon gate-posts, with their jack-knives.” — Lord Bacon.

There are strange antipathies and stranger attachments. It may be said of a female infant, in the language of Jan Chodskwiczsznski, the well-known Pole — “Ona luba mleka.” By the addition of the English words “and water,” the remark may be applied to the writings of the great Eppie Sargent; and at the same time refer to the taste of her admirers. Now, while many admire, there are a benighted few who detest both the writings of the divine Mrs Eppie Sargent, and the milk-and-water to which they may be likened. They prefer for their reading, Mrs. Radcliffe and the Newgate Calendar, and refresh their inner man by that peculiar draught known as “cold without.” There is no accounting for this peculiar state of things. The calculus of probabilities fails us. Cryptography affords no solution. It would baffle the analytical powers of my friend, the Chevalier Dupin. Babington Macaulay might write a disquisition on the matter, and Carlyle might pen a book — but “cui bono?” They are both asses. I have said so in one of my reviews, and I ought to know.

From my infancy to the present time, I have possessed a dislike to tadpoles. Now, per se, the tadpole is not an object of dislike. Indeed, it is rather graceful than otherwise. The rotundity of body, with its gradual and progressive diminution at one extremity into a beautiful caudal appendage, gratifies the eyes of all lovers of the curvilinear and picturesque. But tadpoles are disgusting from their associations. They do not always remain in a state of tadpoledom. They emerge as it were into another nature. From graceful, gliding creatures, they pass into souatting, croaking, winking* leaping, diving and discontented frogs. The mind of the looker-on is obliged to travel to the future, and contemplate their probable destiny. A vision of innumerable mud-puddles crosses the fancy — green slime makes its appearance — and the ear is offended with pond-concerts, conducted with a scanty supply of musical knowledge, and in violation of the first principles of harmony.

But to my story.

Underneath the house in which I lived, there was a cellar. This was divided. The front part was arranged for the purpose of holding wood, coal, refrigerators, mice, and the usual appurtenances of such apartments. The back part was a kitchen — of the kind denominated by the unthinking vulgar, a cellar-kitchen. This communicated with the yard by means of steps. These steps were partly outside of the house, in a kind of area, six feet broad by fifteen long. The area was paved with damp bricks, and in its northeast corner, about six inches from the wall, stood a water-cask, filled by means of a conductor leading from a rain-spout above.

I know not what peculiar impulse drove me to the spot I have thought of it since, as I think of it now, with a vain attempt to penetrate the mystery. Be the cause what it may, that I did go there is undoubtedly true. I bent over [page 365:] the water-cask. It was, as I said before, filled; and just two inches from the bottom — I am certain it was two inches, for my eyes never deceive me — just two inches from the bottom, suspended there by a vibratory motion of his tail, was a large, gray tadpole, measuring five inches and four lines, from the tip of his snout to the end of his tail, and five inches and three lines from the end of his tail to the tip of his snout.

I was horror struck. I stood over the cask with the upper part of my body bent to an angle of forty-five degrees, ten minutes, from the perpendicular. My eyes dilated to their utmost extent, and rolled painfully in their sockets. The left eye tried to catch the glance of the right — the right eye tried to catch the glance of the left There I stood, motionless, transfixed for several minutes. I was shocked, and retired in a state of perfect disgust.

Again I stood over it The tadpole, who had hitherto remained motionless, seemed to read my thoughts by a kind of mesmeric power. He curled his body until the end of his tail reached his nose, and remained there with a peculiar vibratory motion. The figure thus formed, although very strange, and strikingly arabesque, was nevertheless insulting, and inflamed my already excited temper to madness. Seizing a huge stick, I carefully poised it in a perpendicular position, over the spot where the reptile rested. I drove it as I thought with unerring aim. It descended vehemently, — the water was agitated — dirt and bubbles arose to the surface. I congratulated myself on my success. I laughed.

The particles gradually subsided, the water became clear, and I looked in again. The laugh passed from the dexter to the sinister side of my mouth. Instead of the crushed, mangled and vile fragments of my enemy, I beheld the same tadpole as before — in the same spot — and in the same insulting position, with the tip of his tail applied to the end of his nose. I sat down coolly and began to reflect A thought struck me. I drew a plug which was inserted at the base of the water-cask, for I knew if the waters escaped through the aperture thus made, my enemy would be drawn along with them. The result showed the greatness of my judgment.

At first the waters flowed fastly, then slower — but before their entire subsidence, the vainly resisting reptile was borne out, and cast floundering upon the wet, brick floor. He waggled about, and looked piteously in my face. I had no pity. There was no remorse at my heart With a fury at which my conscience now shudders, I raised my right foot, which is fifteen inches in length and seven in breadth, and with one stroke destroyed the wretch who had tormented me. I trampled on him again and again, in a perfect fury of hatred. I fairly revelled in destructive joy.

Now that I had succeeded, a strange thirst came over me. I hastened to the hydrant in the yard, and setting the water in motion applied my mouth to the end of the spout. I sucked the water in greedily, till I was fully sated.

The peculiar sensation of thirst had now passed, and I sat down on the pavement to reflect. I began to speculate on the possibility of my head becoming one of Henson's flying machines, and had actually thought of getting a tumbler of brandy by way of steam, when I saw a strange profile on the opposite fence.

Wonderful! The appearance assumed a definity — a fixity — a certainty. Madness! horror! There on the wall before me was a gray, gigantic, strange tadpole, with a ferocious glare. I knew it. I knew it for the tadpole I had slain. I sat like a statue of Pagan Rome, white, chiseled and motionless. I was haunted by a merciless fiend.