I {{1835-01: am //1840-02: AM }} — that is to say, I was {{1835-01: — //1840-02: , }} a great man {{1835-01: . But //1840-02: ; but }} I am neither the author of Junius, nor the man in the mask {{1835-01: — //1840-02: , }} for my name is Thomas Smith, and I was born somewhere in the city of Fum-Fudge. The first action of my life was the taking hold of my nose with both hands {{1835-01: . My //1840-02: ; my }} mother saw this {{1840-02: , }} and called me a genius {{1835-01: . My //1840-02: ; my }} father wept for joy, and bought me a treatise on Nosology. Before I was {{1835-01: breached //1840-02: breeched }} I had not only mastered the treatise, but had collected into a common-place book all that is said on the subject {{1835-01: , }} by Pliny, Aristotle, Alexander Ross, Minutius Felix, Hermanus Pictorius, Del Rio, Villarêt, Bartholinus, and Sir Thomas Browne.

I now began to feel my way in the science, and soon came to understand {{1835-01: , }} that, provided a man had a nose sufficiently big, he might, by merely following it, arrive at a {{1835-01: Lionship //1840-02: lionship }} . But my attention was not confined to theories alone {{1835-01: . Every //1840-02: ; every }} morning I took a dram or two, and gave my proboscis a couple of pulls. When I came of age my father sent {{1835-01: for me to //1840-02: asked me, one day, if I would step with him into }} his study.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} My son {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02: ,” }} said he {{1835-01: — //1840-02: , when we got there, “  }} ‘what is the chief end of your existence? {{1835-01:  ’ //1840-02:  ” }}

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Father {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02: ,” }} I said {{1835-01: — ‘  //1840-02: , “  }} it is the study of Nosology. {{1835-01:  ’ //1840-02:  ” }}

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} And what, Thomas {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02: ,” }} he continued {{1835-01: — ‘  //1840-02: , “  }} is {{1835-01: Nosology //1840-02: nosology }} ? {{1835-01:  ’ //1840-02:  ” }}

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Sir {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02: ,” }} I replied {{1835-01: — ‘  //1840-02: , “  }} it is the Science of Noses. {{1835-01:  ’ //1840-02:  ” }}

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} And can you tell me {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02: ,” }} he asked — ‘what is the meaning of a nose?’

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} A nose, my father {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02: ,” }} said I {{1835-01: — ‘  //1840-02: , “  }} has been variously defined {{1835-01: , }} by about a thousand different authors. {{1840-02: (here I pulled out my watch). }} It is now noon, or thereabouts {{1835-01: . We //1840-02: — we }} shall {{1835-01: therefore }} have time enough to get through with them all {{1835-01: by //1840-02: before }} midnight. To commence {{1835-01: : — //1840-02: , then. }} The nose, according to Bartholinus, is that protuberance, that bump, that excrescence, that {{1835-01: ——— //1840-02: —— }}  ’

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} That will do {{1835-01: [[,]] //1840-02: , }} Thomas {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02: ,” }} said {{1835-01: my father //1840-02: the old gentleman }} . {{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} I am {{1835-01: positively }} thunderstruck at the extent of your information — I am {{1835-01: , //1840-02: positively — }} upon my soul. Come here! (and he took me by the arm {{1835-01: .) //1840-02: ). }} Your education may {{1840-02: now }} be considered as finished, and it is high time {{1840-02: that }} you should scuffle for yourself — so — so — so {{1840-02: — }} (here he kicked me down stairs and out of the door {{1835-01: , }} ) so get out of my house, and God bless you! {{1835-01:  ’ //1840-02:  ” }}

As I felt within me the divine afflatus, I considered this accident rather fortunate than otherwise, and determined to follow my nose. So I gave it a pull or two, and wrote a pamphlet on Nosology. All Fum-Fudge was in an uproar.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Wonderful genius! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02: ,” }} said the Quarterly.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Superb physiologist! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02: ,” }} said the New Monthly.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Fine writer! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02: ,” }} said the {{1835-01: Edinburg [[Edinburgh]] //1840-02: Edinburgh }} .

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Great man! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02: ,” }} said Blackwood.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Who can he be? {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02: ,” }} said Mrs. Bas-Bleu.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} What can he be? {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02: ,” }} said big Miss Bas-Bleu.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Where can he be? {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02: ,” }} said little Miss Bas-Bleu. {{1835-01: [[new paragraph, indented]] }} But I paid them no manner of attention, and walked into the shop of an artist.

The Duchess of {{1835-01: Bless-my-soul //1840-02: Bless-my-Soul }} was sitting for her portrait {{1835-01: . The //1840-02: ; the }} Marchioness of {{1835-01: So-and-so //1840-02: So-and-So }} was holding the Duchess's poodle {{1835-01: . The //1840-02: ; the }} Earl of {{1835-01: This-and-that //1840-02: This-and-That }} was flirting with her salts {{1835-01: , //1840-02: ; }} and {{1835-01: His //1840-02: his }} Royal Highness of {{1835-01: Touch-me-not //1840-02: Touch-me-Not }} was standing behind her chair. I merely walked towards the artist, and held up my proboscis.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} O beautiful! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} sighed the Duchess {{1835-01: of Bless-my-soul }} .

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} O pretty! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} lisped the Marchioness {{1835-01: of So-and-so }} .

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Horrible! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} groaned the Earl {{1835-01: of This-and-that }} .

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Abominable! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} growled his {{1840-02: Royal }} Highness {{1835-01: of Touch-me-not }} .

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} What will you take for it? {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} said the artist.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} A thousand pounds {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02: ,” }} said I, sitting down.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} A thousand pounds? {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} he inquired, turning the nose to the light.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Precisely {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02: ,” }} said I.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Beautiful! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} said he, looking at the nose.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} A thousand pounds {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} said I, twisting it to one side.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Admirable! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} said he.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} A thousand pounds {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} said I.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} You shall have them {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02: ,” }} said he {{1835-01: — ‘  //1840-02: , ‘  }} what a piece of Virtû!’ So he paid me the money, and made a sketch of my nose. I took rooms in Jermyn street, sent {{1835-01: his //1840-02: her }} Majesty the ninety-ninth edition of the Nosology with a portrait of the {{1835-01: author //1840-02: author's nose }} , and his Royal Highness of {{1835-01: Touch-me-not //1840-02: Touch-me-Not }} invited me to dinner.

We were all {{1835-01: Lions //1840-02: lions }} and {{1835-01: Recherchés //1840-02: recherchés }} .

There was a Grand Turk from Stamboul. He said that the angels were horses, cocks, and bulls — that somebody in the sixth heaven had seventy thousand heads and seventy thousand tongues — and that the earth was held up by a sky-blue cow {{1835-01: with //1840-02: , having }} four hundred horns.

There was Sir Positive Paradox. He said that all fools were philosophers, and all philosophers were fools.

There was a writer on {{1835-01: Ethics //1840-02: ethics }} . He talked of {{1835-01: Fire //1840-02: fire }} , {{1835-01: Unity //1840-02: unity }} , and {{1835-01: Atoms — Bi-part //1840-02: atoms , bi-part }} , and {{1835-01: Pre-existent //1840-02: pre-existent }} soul {{1835-01: — Affinity and Discord — Primitive Intelligence //1840-02: ; affinity and discord; primitive intelligence }} and {{1835-01: Homoomeria //1840-02: homoomeria }} .

There was Theologos Theology. He talked of Eusebius and Arianus {{1835-01: — Heresy //1840-02: ; heresy }} and the Council of Nice {{1835-01: — Consubstantialism //1840-02: ; consubstantialism }} , Homousios, and Homouioisios.

There was Fricassée from the Rocher de Cancale. He mentioned Latour, Markbrunnen {{1840-02: , }} and Mareschino {{1835-01: — Muriton //1840-02: ; muriton }} of red tongue, and {{1835-01: Cauliflowers //1840-02: cauliflowers }} with {{1835-01: Velouté //1840-02: velouté }} sauce {{1835-01: — //1840-02: ; }} veal à la St. Menehoult, {{1835-01: Marinade //1840-02: marinade }} à la St. Florentin, and orange jellies en mosaiques.

There was Signor Tintontintino from Florence. He spoke of {{1835-01: Cimabue //1840-02: Cimabué }} , Arpino, Carpaccio, and Argostino {{1835-01: — //1840-02: ; }} the gloom of Caravaggio {{1835-01: — //1840-02: , }} the amenity of Albano {{1835-01: — //1840-02: , }} the golden glories of Titian {{1835-01: — //1840-02: , }} the frows of Rubens, and the waggeries of Jan Steen.

There was the great {{1835-01: Geologist //1840-02: geologist }} Feltzpar. He talked of {{1835-01: Hornblende Mica-slate, Quartz, Schist, Schorl, and Pudding-stone //1840-02: internal fires and tertiary formations; of aëriforms, fluidiforms, and solidiforms; of quartz and marl; of schist and schorl; gypsum, hornblende, mica-slate, and pudding-stone }} .

There was the President of the Fum-Fudge University. He said that the moon was called Bendis in Thrace, Bubastis in Egypt, Dian in Rome, and Artemis in Greece.

There was Delphinus {{1835-01: Polyglot //1840-02: Polyglott }} . He told us what had become of the eighty-three lost tragedies of Æschylus {{1835-01: — //1840-02: ; }} of the fifty-four orations of {{1835-01: Isæus — //1840-02: Isœus ; }} of the three hundred and ninety-one speeches of Lysias {{1835-01: — //1840-02: ; }} of the hundred and eighty treatises of Theophrastus {{1835-01: — //1840-02: ; }} of the eighth book of the {{1835-01: Conic Sections //1840-02: conic sections }} of Apollonius {{1835-01: — //1840-02: ; }} of Pindar's {{1835-01: Hymns //1840-02: hymns }} and {{1835-01: Dithyrambics //1840-02: dithyrambics }} , and the {{1835-01: five and forty Tragedies //1840-02: five-and-forty tragedies }} of Homer Junior.

There was a modern Platonist. He quoted Porphyry, {{1835-01: Iamblichus //1840-02: Iamblicus }} , Plotinus, Proclus, Hierocles, Maximus {{1835-01: , Tyrius [[Maximum Tyrius]] //1840-02: Tyrius }} , and Syrianus.

There was a human-perfectibility man. He quoted Turgot, Price, Priestly [[Priestley]], Condorcet, De {{1835-01: Staël //1840-02: Stael }} , and {{1835-01: the }} “  {{1840-02: the }} Ambitious Student in {{1835-01: rather ill health //1840-02: Ill Health }} .”

There was myself. I {{1835-01: talked //1840-02: spoke }} of Pictorius, Del Rio, Alexander Ross, Minutius Felix, Bartholinus, Sir {{1835-01: Thos. //1840-02: Thomas }} Browne, and the Science of Noses.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Marvellous clever man! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} said his Highness.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Superb! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} said {{1835-01: the //1840-02: his }} guests {{1835-01: : //1840-02: ; }} and the next morning her Grace of {{1835-01: Bless-my-soul //1840-02: Bless-my-Soul }} paid me a visit.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Will you go to {{1835-01: Almacks //1840-02: Almack's }} , pretty creature? {{1835-01:  ’ //1840-02:  ” }} she said {{1840-02: , chucking me under the chin, }} .

{{1835-01: ‘Certainly’ — //1840-02: “Upon honor,” }} said I. {{1840-02: [[new paragraph, indented]] }} ‘Nose and all? {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} she asked.

{{1835-01: ‘Positively’ — //1840-02: “As I live,” }} I replied.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Here then {{1840-02: , }} is a card {{1835-01:  ’ — she said — ‘  //1840-02: , my life, }} shall I say you {{1835-01: will //1840-02: will }} be there?’

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Dear Duchess {{1835-01: ! //1840-02: , }} with all my heart. {{1835-01:  ’ //1840-02:  ” }}

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Pshaw {{1835-01: ! //1840-02: , }} no {{1835-01: — //1840-02: ! }} but with all your nose? {{1835-01:  ’ //1840-02:  ” }}

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Every bit of it, my {{1835-01: life //1840-02: love }} ,’ {{1835-01: — }} said I {{1835-01: . So //1840-02: ; so }} I gave it a pull or two, and found myself at {{1835-01: Almacks //1840-02: Almack's }} . {{1840-02: [[new paragraph, indented]] }} The rooms were crowded to suffocation.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} He is coming! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} said somebody on the {{1835-01: stair case //1840-02: staircase }} .

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} He is coming! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} said somebody {{1835-01: farther //1840-02: further }} up.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} He is coming! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} said somebody {{1835-01: farther //1840-02: further }} still.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} He is come {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02: !” }} said the Duchess {{1835-01: — //1840-02: ; }} ‘he is come, the little love! {{1835-01:  ’ And //1840-02:  ” and }} she caught me by both hands, and looked me in the nose.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Ah joli! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} said Mademoiselle Pas Seul.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Dios guarda! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} said Don Stiletto.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Diavolo! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} said Count Capricornuto. {{1835-01:  ’ [[sic]] }}

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Tousand Teufel! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} said Baron {{1835-01: Bludenuff //1840-02: Bludennuff }} .

‘Tweedle-dee {{1835-01: —— //1840-02: — }} tweedle-dee {{1835-01: —— //1840-02: — }} tweedle-dum! {{1835-01:  ’ //1840-02:  ” }} said the {{1835-01: orchestra //1840-02: Orchestra }} .

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Ah joli! {{1835-01: — }} Dios guarda! {{1835-01: — }} Diavolo! {{1835-01: — }} and Tousand Teufel! {{1835-01:  ’ //1840-02:  ” }} repeated Mademoiselle Pas Seul, Don Stiletto, Count Capricornuto, and Baron {{1835-01: Bludenuff //1840-02: Bludennuff }} . {{1835-01: It //1840-02: The applause — it was obstreperous; it was not the thing; it }} was too bad {{1835-01: — //1840-02: ; }} it was not to be borne. I grew angry.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Sir! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} said I to the Baron {{1835-01: — //1840-02: , }} ‘you are a baboon. {{1835-01:  ’ //1840-02:  ” }}

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Sir! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} replied he, after a pause, {{1835-01: ——— }} ‘Donner and Blitzen!’ {{1835-01: [[new paragraph, indented]] }} This was sufficient. {{1840-02: We exchanged cards. }} The next morning I shot off his nose at six o’clock, and then called upon my friends.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Bête! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} said the first.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Fool! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} said the second.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Ninny! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} said the third.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Dolt! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} said the fourth.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Noodle! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} said the fifth.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Ass! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} said the sixth.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Be off! {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02:  ” }} said the seventh.

At all this I felt mortified, and {{1840-02: so }} called upon my father.

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} Father {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02: ,” }} I said {{1835-01: — ‘  //1840-02: , “  }} what is the chief end of my existence {{1835-01: !’ //1840-02: ?” }}

{{1835-01: ‘  //1840-02: “  }} My son {{1835-01:  ’ — //1840-02: ,” }} he replied {{1835-01: — ‘  //1840-02: , “  }} it is still the study of Nosology {{1835-01: . But //1840-02: ; but }} in hitting the Baron's nose {{1840-02: , }} you have overshot your mark. You have a fine nose {{1840-02: , }} it is true {{1835-01: , //1840-02: ; }} but then {{1835-01: Bludenuff //1840-02: Bludennuff }} has none. You are d——d, and he has become the Lion of the day. In Fum-Fudge great is a {{1835-01: Lion //1840-02: lion }} with a proboscis, but greater by far is a {{1835-01: Lion //1840-02: lion }} with no proboscis at all. {{1835-01:  ’ //1840-02:  ” }}