∞∞∞∞∞∞∞
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞
{{1843-01:
//1845-02:
————
}}
———— all people went
Upon their ten toes in wild wonderment.
Bishop Hall's Satires.
{{1843-01:
————
}}
I {{1843-01: AM //1845-02: am }} — that is to say {{1843-01: , }} I was — a great man; but I am neither the author of Junius {{1843-01: , }} nor the man in the mask; for my name {{1845-02: , I believe, }} is {{1843-01: John Smith //1845-02: Robert Jones }} , and I was born somewhere in the city of Fum-Fudge. {{1845-02: [[new paragraph, indented]] }} The first action of my life was the taking hold of my nose with both hands. My mother saw this {{1843-01: , }} and called me a genius {{1843-01: ; //1845-02: : — }} my father wept {{1843-01: for //1845-02: f r [[sic]] }} joy {{1843-01: , }} and {{1843-01: bought //1845-02: presented }} me {{1845-02: with }} a treatise on Nosology. {{1843-01: Before //1845-02: This I mastered before }} I was breeched {{1843-01: I had not only mastered the treatise, but had collected into a common-place book all that is said on the subject by Pliny, Aristotle, Alexander Ross, Minutius Felix, Hermanus Pictorius, Del Rio, Villarêt, Bartholinus, and Sir Thomas Browne.* //1845-02: . }}
I now began to feel my way in the science {{1843-01: , //1845-02: ; }} and soon came to understand that, provided a man had a nose sufficiently {{1843-01: big //1845-02: conspicuous }} , he might, by merely following it, arrive at a {{1843-01: lionship //1845-02: Lionship }} . But my attention was not confined to theories alone {{1843-01: ; every //1845-02: . Every }} morning I {{1843-01: took a dram or two, and }} gave my proboscis a couple of pulls {{1845-02: and swallowed a half dozen of drams }} . {{1845-02: [[new paragraph, indented]] }} When I came of age my father asked me, one day, if I would step with him into his study.
“My son,” said he, when we were seated {{1845-02: , }} “what is the chief end of your existence?”
“ {{1843-01: Father //1845-02: My father }} ,” I {{1843-01: said //1845-02: answered }} , “it is the study of Nosology.”
“And what, {{1843-01: John //1845-02: Robert }} ,” he {{1843-01: continued //1845-02: inquired }} , “is Nosology?”
“Sir,” I {{1843-01: replied //1845-02: said }} , “it is the Science of Noses.”
“And can you tell me,” he {{1843-01: asked //1845-02: demanded }} , “what is the meaning of a nose?”
“A nose, my father,” {{1843-01: said }} I {{1845-02: replied, greatly softened }} , “has been variously defined by about a thousand different authors. {{1843-01: ( //1845-02: ” [ }} Here I pulled out my watch {{1843-01: ). //1845-02: .] “ }} It is now noon {{1843-01: , }} or thereabouts {{1843-01: ; }} — {{1843-01: we //1845-02: We }} shall have time enough to get through with them all before midnight. To commence {{1843-01: , }} then {{1843-01: . //1845-02: : — }} The nose, according to Bartholinus, is that protuberance {{1843-01: , //1845-02: — }} that bump {{1843-01: , //1845-02: — }} that excrescence {{1843-01: , //1845-02: — }} that {{1843-01: —— //1845-02: — }} ” {{1843-01: [[new paragraph, indented]] }} {{1843-01: — }} “ {{1843-01: That will //1845-02: Will }} do, {{1843-01: John //1845-02: Robert }} ,” {{1843-01: said //1845-02: interrupted }} the {{1845-02: good }} old gentleman. “I am thunderstruck at the extent of your information {{1843-01: . //1845-02: — }} I am positively — upon my soul. {{1845-02: ” [Here he closed his eyes and placed his hand upon his heart.] “ }} Come here! {{1843-01: (here //1845-02: ” [Here }} he took me by the arm {{1843-01: ). //1845-02: .] “ }} Your education may now be considered as finished {{1843-01: , and //1845-02: — }} it is high time {{1843-01: that }} you should scuffle for yourself {{1845-02: — and you cannot do a better thing than merely follow your nose }} — so — so — so — {{1843-01: (here //1845-02: [Here }} he kicked me down stairs {{1845-02: , }} and out of the door {{1843-01: ) //1845-02: .] — “ }} so get out of my house {{1843-01: , }} and God bless you!”
As I felt within me the divine afflatus, I considered this accident rather fortunate than otherwise {{1843-01: , and //1845-02: . I resolved to be guided by the parternal advice. I }} determined to follow my nose. {{1843-01: So }} I gave it a pull or two {{1845-02: upon the spot }}, and wrote a pamphlet on Nosology {{1845-02: forthwith }}.
All Fum-Fudge was in an uproar.
“Wonderful genius!” said the Quarterly.
“Superb physiologist!” said the {{1843-01: New Monthly //1845-02: Westminster }} .
{{1845-02: “Clever fellow!” said the Foreign. }}
“Fine writer!” said the Edinburgh.
{{1845-02: “Profound thinker!” said the Dublin. }}
“Great man!” said {{1843-01: Blackwood //1845-02: Bentley }} .
{{1845-02:
“Divine soul!” said Fraser.
“One of us!” said Blackwood.
}}
“ {{1843-01: Who //1845-02: Who }} can he be?” said Mrs. Bas-Bleu.
“ {{1843-01: What //1845-02: What }} can he be?” said big Miss Bas-Bleu.
“ {{1843-01: Where //1845-02: Where }} can he be?” said little Miss Bas-Bleu. {{1843-01: — }} But I paid {{1843-01: them //1845-02: these people }} no {{1843-01: manner of }} attention {{1843-01: , and walked //1845-02: — I just stepped }} into the shop of an artist.
The Duchess of Bless-my-Soul was sitting for her portrait; the {{1843-01: Marchioness //1845-02: Marquis }} of So-and-So was holding the {{1843-01: Duchess's //1845-02: Duchess’ }} poodle; the Earl of This-and-That was flirting with her salts; and his Royal Highness of Touch-me-Not was {{1843-01: standing behind //1845-02: leaning upon the back of }} her chair. {{1845-02: [[new paragraph, indented]] }} I {{1843-01: merely walked towards //1845-02: approached }} the artist {{1843-01: , }} and {{1843-01: held //1845-02: turned }} up my {{1843-01: proboscis //1845-02: nose }} .
“ {{1843-01: O //1845-02: Oh, }} beautiful!” sighed {{1843-01: the Duchess //1845-02: her grace }} .
“ {{1843-01: O pretty //1845-02: Oh my }} !” lisped the {{1843-01: Marchioness //1845-02: Marquis }} .
“ {{1843-01: O pretty //1845-02: Oh shocking }} !” groaned the Earl.
“ {{1843-01: O //1845-02: Oh }} abominable!” growled his Royal Highness.
“What will you take for it?” {{1843-01: said //1845-02: asked }} the artist.
{{1845-02: “For his nose!” shouted her Grace. }}
“A thousand pounds,” said I, sitting down.
{{1845-02:
“A thousand pounds?” inquired the artist, musingly. [column 2:]
“A thousand pounds,” said I.
}}
“ {{1843-01: A thousand pounds //1845-02: Do you warrant it }} ?” he {{1843-01: inquired //1845-02: asked }} , turning the nose to the light.
{{1845-02:
“I do,” said I, blowing it well.
“Is it quite original?” inquired he, touching it with reverence.
“Humph!” said I, twisting it to one side.
“Has no copy been taken?” he demanded, surveying it through a microscope.
“None,” said I, turning it up.
“Admirable!” he ejaculated, thrown quite off his guard by the beauty of the manœuvre.
“A thousand pounds,” said I.
“A thousand pounds?[[”]] said he.” [[sic]]
}}
“Precisely,” said I.
{{1843-01:
“Beautiful!” said he, looking at the nose.
“A thousand pounds,” said I, twisting it to one side.
“Admirable!” said he.
“A thousand pounds,” said I.
{{1845-02:
“A thousand pounds?” said he.
“Just so,” said I.
}}
“You shall have them,” said he {{1843-01: , //1845-02: . }} “ {{1843-01: what //1845-02: What }} a piece of virtu!” So he {{1843-01: paid //1845-02: drew }} me {{1845-02: a check upon }} the {{1843-01: money //1845-02: spot }} , and {{1843-01: made //1845-02: took }} a sketch of my nose. I {{1843-01: took //1845-02: engaged }} rooms in Jermyn street, {{1845-02: and }} sent her Majesty the ninety-ninth edition of the {{1843-01: “ }} Nosology {{1843-01: ” }} with a portrait of the {{1843-01: author's nose, and his Royal Highness //1845-02: probiscus. That sad little rake, the prince }} of {{1843-01: Touch-me-Not //1845-02: Wales }} invited me to dinner.
We were all lions and recherchés.
{{1845-02:
There was a modern Platonist. He quoted Porphyry, Iamblicus, Plotinus, Proclus, Hierocles, Maximus Tyrius, and Syrianus.
There was a human-perfectibility man. He quoted Turgot, Price, Priestly [[Priestley]], Condorcet, De Stäel, and the “Ambitious Student in Ill Health.”
There was Sir Positive Paradox. He observed that all fools were philosophers, and that all philosophers were fools.
There was Æstheticus Ethix. He spoke of fire, unity, and atoms; bi-part and pre-existent soul; affinity and discord; primitive intelligence and homöomeria.
There was Theologos Theology. He talked of Eusebius and Arianus; heresy and the Council of Nice; Puseyism and consubstantialism; Homousios and Homouioisios.
There was Fricassée from the Rocher de Cancale. He mentioned Muriton of red tongue; cauliflowers with velouté sauce; veal à la St. Menehoult; marinade à la St. Florentin; and orange jellies en mosäiques.
There was Bibulus O’Bumper. He touched upon Latour and Markbrünen [[Markbrünnen]]; upon Mousseux and Chambertin; upon Richbourg and St. George; upon Haubrion, Leonville, and Medoc; upon Barac and Preignac; upon Grâve, and upon St. Peray. He shook his head at Clos de Vougeot, and told, with his eyes shut, the difference between Sherry and Amontillado.
There was Signor Tintontintino from Florence. He discoursed of Cimbabué [[Cimabue]], Arpino, Carpaccio, and Argostino — of the gloom of Caravaggio, of the amenity of Albano, of the colors of Titian, of the frows of Rubens, and of the waggeries of Jan Steen.
There was the President of the Fum-Fudge University. He was of opinion that the moon was called Bendis in Thrace, Bubastis in Egypt, Dian in Rome, and Artemis in Greece.
}}
There was a Grand Turk from Stamboul. He {{1843-01: said //1845-02: could not help thinking }} that the angels were horses, cocks {{1843-01: , }} and bulls {{1843-01: — //1845-02: ; }} that somebody in the sixth heaven had seventy thousand heads {{1843-01: and seventy thousand tongues — //1845-02: ; }} and that the earth was {{1843-01: held up //1845-02: supported }} by a sky-blue cow {{1843-01: , having four hundred //1845-02: with an incalculable number of green }} horns.
{{1843-01:
There was Sir Positive Paradox. He said that all fools were philosophers, and that all philosophers were fools.
There was a writer on ethics. He talked of fire, unity, and atoms; bi-part, and pre-existent soul; affinity and discord; primitive intelligence and homoomeria.
There was Theologos Theology. He talked of Eusebius and Arianus; heresy and the Council of Nice; consubstantialism, Homousios, and Homouioisios.
There was Fricassée from the Rocher de Cancale. He mentioned Latour, Markbrunnen, and Mareschino; muriton of red tongue, and cauliflowers with velouté sauce; veal à la St. Menehoult, marinade à la St. Florentin, and orange jellies en mosäiques.
There was Signor Tintontintino from Florence. He spoke of Cimabué, Arpino, Carpaccio, and Argostino; the gloom of Caravaggio, the amenity of Albano, the golden glories of Titian, the frows of Rubens, and the waggeries of Jan Steen.
There was the great geologist Feltzpar. He talked of internal fires and tertiary formations; of aëriforms, fluidiforms, and solidiforms; of quartz and marl; of schist and schorl; of gypsum, hornblende, micaslate, and pudding-stone.
There was the President of the Fum-Fudge University. He said that the moon was called Bendis in Thrace, Bubastis in Egypt, Dian in Rome, and Artemis in Greece.
}}
There was Delphinus Polyglott. He told us what had become of the eighty-three lost tragedies of Æschylus; of the fifty-four orations of Isœus; of the three hundred and ninety-one speeches of Lysias; of the hundred and eighty treatises of Theophrastus; of the eighth book of the {{1843-01: conic sections //1845-02: Conic Sections }} of Apollonius; of Pindar's hymns and dithyrambics; and {{1845-02: of }} the {{1843-01: five-and-forty //1845-02: five and forty }} tragedies of Homer Junior.
{{1843-01:
There was a modern Platonist. He quoted Porphyry, Iamblicus, Plotinus, Proclus, Hierocles, Maximus Tyrius, and Syrianus.
There was a human-perfectibility man. He quoted Turgot, Price, Priestly [[Priestley]], Condorcet, De Stael, and “The Ambitious Student in Ill Health.”
//1845-02:
There was Ferdinand Fitz-Fossillus Feltspar. He informed us all about internal fires and tertiary formations; about äeriforms, fluidiforms, and solidiforms; about quartz and marl; about schist and schorl; about gypsum and trap; about talc and calc; about blende and horn-blende; about mica-slate and pudding-stone; about cyanite and lepidolite; about hœmatite and tremolite; about antimony and calcedony; about manganese and whatever you please.
}}
There was myself. I spoke of {{1843-01: Pictorius, Del Rio, Alexander Ross, Minutius Felix, Bartholinus, Sir Thomas Browne, and the Science of Noses. //1845-01: myself; — of myself, of myself, of myself; — of Nosology, of my pamphlet, and of myself. I turned up my nose and spoke of myself. }}
“Marvellous clever man!” said {{1843-01: his Highness //1845-02: the prince }} .
“Superb!” said his guests; and {{1843-01: the }} next morning her {{1843-01: grace //1845-02: Grace }} of Bless-my-Soul paid me a visit.
“Will you go to {{1843-01: Almack's //1845-02: Almacks }} , pretty creature?” she said, {{1843-01: chucking //1845-02: tapping }} me under the chin.
“Upon honor,” said I.
“Nose and all?” she asked.
“As I live,” I replied.
“Here {{1843-01: , }} then {{1843-01: , }} is a card, my life {{1843-01: ; //1845-02: , }} shall I say you will be there?”
“Dear Duchess, with all my heart.”
“Pshaw, no! — but with all your nose?”
“Every bit of it {{1843-01: , }} my love,” said I {{1843-01: ; //1845-02: : — }} so I gave it a {{1843-01: pull //1845-02: twist }} or two {{1843-01: , }} and found myself at {{1843-01: Almack's //1845-02: Almacks }} .
The rooms were crowded to suffocation.
“He is coming!” said somebody on the staircase.
“He is coming!” said somebody {{1843-01: further //1845-02: farther }} up.
“He is coming!” said somebody {{1843-01: further //1845-02: farther }} still.
“He is come!” {{1843-01: said //1845-02: exclaimed }} the Duchess {{1843-01: ; //1845-02: . — }} “he is come, the little love!” {{1845-02: — }} and {{1843-01: she caught //1845-02: seizing }} me {{1845-02: firmly }} by both hands, {{1843-01: and looked //1845-02: she kissed }} me {{1843-01: in //1845-02: trice upon }} the nose.
{{1843-01:
“Ah joli!” said Mademoiselle Pas Seul.
“Dios guarda!” said Don Stiletto.
//1845-02:
A marked sensation immediately ensued.
}}
“ {{1843-01: Diavolo! //1845-02: Diavolo! }} ” {{1843-01: said //1845-02: cried }} Count {{1843-01: Capricornuto //1845-02: Capricornutti }} .
“ {{1843-01: Tousand teufel! //1845-02: Tousand teufel! }} ” {{1843-01: said Baron Bludennuff //1845-02: growled the Elector of Bluddennuff }} .
{{1843-01: “Tweedle-dee — tweedle-dee — tweedle-dum!” said the Orchestra. }}
{{1843-01: “Ah joli! Dios guarda! Diavolo! and Tousand teufel!” repeated Mademoiselle Pas Seul, Don Stiletto, Count Capricornuto, and Baron Bludennuff. This applause — it was obstreperous; it was not the thing; it was too bad; it //1845-02: This }} was not to be borne. I grew angry. {{1845-02: I turned short upon Bluddennuff. }}
“Sir {{1843-01: ! //1845-02: , }} ” said I {{1843-01: to the Baron }} , “you are a baboon.”
“Sir {{1843-01: ! //1845-02: , }} ” he replied {{1845-02: , }} after a pause, “ {{1843-01: Donner und blitzen! //1845-02: Donner und blitzen. }} ”
This was {{1843-01: sufficient //1845-02: all that could be desired }} . We exchanged cards. {{1843-01: The //1845-02: at Chalk-Farm, the }} next morning {{1845-02: , }} I shot off his nose {{1843-01: at six o’clock, //1845-02: — }} and then called upon my friends.
“ {{1843-01: Bête! //1845-02: Bête! }} ” said the first.
“Fool!” said the second.
“ {{1843-01: Ninny //1845-02: Dolt }} !” said the third.
“ {{1843-01: Dolt //1845-02: Ass }} !” said the fourth.
“ {{1843-01: Noodle //1845-02: Ninny }} !” said the fifth.
“ {{1843-01: Ass //1845-02: Noodle }} !” said the sixth.
“Be off!” said the seventh.
At all this I felt mortified, and so called upon my father.
“Father,” I said, “what is the chief end of my existence?”
“My son,” he replied, “it is still the study of Nosology {{1843-01: ; //1845-02: ; }} but in {{1843-01: hitting //1845-02: shooting off }} the {{1843-01: Baron's //1845-02: Elector's }} nose {{1843-01: , }} you have overshot your mark. You have a fine nose, it is true; but then {{1843-01: Bludennuff //1845-02: Bluddennuff }} has none. You are {{1843-01: d——d; //1845-02: damned, }} and he has become the {{1843-01: lion //1845-02: hero }} of the day. {{1843-01: In //1845-02: I grant you that in }} Fum-Fudge {{1843-01: great is //1845-02: the greatness of }} a lion {{1843-01: with a big proboscis, but he should not even attempt a rivalry //1845-02: is in proportion to the size of his proboscis — but, Good Heavens! there is no competing }} with a lion who has no proboscis at all.”
{{1845-02:
EDGAR A. POE.
}}
[The following footnote was added to 1842-02, but not used in 1845 as the associated text was also deleted:]
{{
* The authors here named have all really treated, at some length, of the nose.
}}
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞
Notes:
For an explanation of the formatting used in this study text, see editorial policies and methods.
Because this presentation represents multiple texts, with differing pagination, page numbers have been omitted.
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞
[S:0 - JAS] - Edgar Allan Poe Society of Baltimore - Works - Tales - Lionizing (Comparative Text - TGAPP and BJ)